I’m an old-fashioned guy. I wear a wind-up watch from the 1940s. My favorite movie stars and musicians are dead. I have a vintage tube amplifier in my living room. I listen to vinyl.
The warm tone of mildew on warped plastic. Just like the Beatles intended.
I ride a horse to do daily chores. I send telegraphs instead of emails.
Okay, perhaps I’m exaggerating just a bit, but one invention I thought I’d never need was a smart phone. Who wants to be checking their email all hours of the day anyway?
Okay, okay, I’m lying again. I’ve wanted an iPhone since they first came out. But I hated people who had them and called them douchebags.
Now that I finally have one, I’m one of those douchebags and I love it. In fact, I love this alarmingly breakable piece of metal and glass so much that:
14. The only blackberries I care about are the ones I pick while vacationing in Connecticut.
Can you hear me now? God damn it, answer me!
13. I turn up my nose at how so 2000 people with flip phones are.
12. I will feel bad in a few months at how so 2010 my iPhone 4 is when the iPhone 5 comes out.
11. I find myself watching movies through the Netflix app, even when I’m in my apartment with a 42 inch television.
10. I use it to browse the internet and take notes, even when I have my Macbook handy. Or I use both at the same time and look like the ultimate Apple fanboy.
9. I get excited when I hear the new mail alert, even when it’s just the latest from CVS pharmacy.
“They wrote! They finally wrote!”
8. I pretend I speak Chinese and Italian by using the Google translate app, highly annoying my sister who really does speak Chinese and Italian.
7. I now believe the hype about cloud computing. Having tried music services like Mog and Rhapsody, which will let you stream or download any song you like, I am ready to throw away my record collection (and delete Apple’s own iTunes).
6. I use Foursquare so that muggers and stalkers know where I am at all times.
5. I also use Foursquare to become mayor of my own apartment.
4. I finally understand what this whole Angry Birds thing is all about.
Pigs with mustaches. Need I say more?
3. I use the Hipstamatic print app to take ugly green tinted photos that look like they’ve been decaying in a closet for 50 years and upload them to my Facebook so that everyone sees how “artsy” I am.
2. I watch the money I’m spending on my data plan sucked out of my bank account each month, right through my US Bank app.
1. I pay for my Starbucks by swiping my iPhone, even though swiping a credit card is faster, just so I am officially the biggest douchebag in that Starbucks. Which is usually quite an accomplishment.
“Oh, I’m not doing anything important. Just, you know, finishing up this generation’s Citizen Kane.”
Thanks iPhone 4!
Update: Hey, iPhone, I still love you, but could you fix your auto-correct feature? I just sent an email asking a potential employer when he “Wangs” to meet, signed “Best, Garden.” Um, yeah, Garden was what it replaced my name with. This thing is worse than the baristas at Starbucks.